where i stood

A letter to you.

It's  ironic how Missy Higgins was the voice of reason that told me I loved you. Driving to your house one day and hearing her voice, I just knew. And it was driving home one day, hearing her sing that I was reminded it's really over...

Her words are a bit more eloquent than I can seem to make mine...

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood 

There is so much love in my heart for you, and it's the small things that I think will remind me of you for a long time. I see Law & Order and can't help but think of your mom, I saw your comment on a Boundless article recently and I remember endless discussions coming from the things we read. It will be your insane love for shoes, Monster energy drinks, the beach, and me that I will treasure.  I adore you. I always have, and I know that at least now I can look back fondly on all the things you taught me, the gifts you gave me, and I can be grateful for the person you were in my life. There is nothing but my hope for your amazing future left now. 

But now I know I need to live life single. I need to find out where that road leads me. I need to discover my own definition of who I should be. But I fully believe there is someone who will compliment you in ways I was never able to. And she will love you more than I could. You have such a wonderful future ahead of you, full of promise and happiness with someone whom you cherish. I am always here should you need me. And I have loved you more than anyone I have loved at all...

Mo.

revived, refreshed, ready

She sat listening, as the rain hit the pavement, the thunder rolling in the distant sky. The days had gotten longer lately, harder, full of trial. Her heart had ceased to heal the way she wanted, but as she listened to the raindrops fall and let the smell of renewal overwhelm her she could sense Him. She could finally feel Him. She couldn’t count the number of days since she had felt his presence in this way but the air was alive with His love and His embrace. The wind was full of His power, His majesty. In the midst of the rain, and the cold, she knew He was calling her name. He was surrounding her and it was a welcomed sense of comfort.

The world had stopped, the sound of rain echoing in her now distant mind. She could smell the wet Earth; feel the wind as it embraced her. But her Spirit had awoken with the desire to lift her face to the heavens. She was alive, alive in this moment more than she had been in many days. And despite the ache in her heart there was an endless joy. The endless call of the earth’s praise towards the heavens revived her.

----

This is my prayer, in the desert, in this seemingly endless season of sorrow and trial, that my heart remember this moment. Remember this overwhelming sense of joy. The sound of earth praising it’s creator, the underlying beckoning of my Father for my heart and my pain. He is the one who hears my cry, he knows my fears before I bring them to his feet and he will deliver me from them.

I will rejoice in this moment, rejoice in the renewal of my hope and my faith. I have a reason to praise. If only for this sound, this smell, the color of a darkened sky, the power of a blowing wind. In every season, even in this desert one, I will rejoice. And I will let the sorrows that fill my heart now, build me into a stronger woman. So that when I am emptied again my hope remains.

----

It was an amazing sound, the loud rolling of thunder and the cry of the heavens. It brought the desert to life. It was in this darkened time, when the sky was black and everything was wet, that she felt the Lord around her more clearly than any other time. And she saw it, the symbolic nature of such a thing. It was in her weakness that she too felt close to the Lord. In the times when sorrow seemed abounding and the season of trial seemed to never have an end that she drew herself closer to the Almighty Father. That she was brought to her knees.

She knew then, that the clouds would linger for a time, the tears would fall. But in the end she would be new, revived, refreshed, ready. It was an ironic connection she had to the rain, but here in the desert she was grateful for the gift, an endless earth full of endless joy. It was hers for the taking, and she would not hesitate to accept the peace.

When the rain ceases, the promise will remain. And in His arms I will reside. Revived, Refreshed, and Ready.

in memory of...

About a year ago I joined a sort of online forum for writers. It was a courageous move for me, I think I even blogged about it when it happened. It made my writing come to life and I was able to join in on the writings of so many talented people. There was a particular writer, Stephanie Bell who I just happened to stumble across one day. She was just barely eighteen but so talented. She had a gift and it would be easy to imagine that she could have written best-selling novels if she wished it. I received an email update on one of her stories this week and much to my dismay it was not a new chapter on her story, but a eulogy written by someone close to her informing us of her passing.

I didn't know something like this could hit me as hard as it did. But I was broken today. This young woman's amazing words were silenced by a drunk driver. And she was only two weeks away from graduating high school. Being a writer in itself is such a passion for me. It goes deeper than I could ever have imagined, but the day I accepted my gift was the day I let my heart take in everything that came with it. This young girl was a kindred spirit, someone who had big dreams and amazing passion. And she's gone.

I never met her, but I was addicted to her words. She wrote with ease and I'm even more saddened to know so many of her stories will go unfinished. It's such a saddening thing for me as a writer. I'm not even sure how to put the feelings into words, and words are what I do best...

Life is so precious, so short. The legacy she leaves behind in words is still something of amazing caliber, but what it could have been is so hard to not feel grief over. I mourn her loss today, and I pray for her family. Pray for the anger that they must feel for being stripped too early of an amazing and talented young woman. And I pray for everyone else on the forum that lost a great friend, an amazing source of talent, and someone who was quick to offer encouragement to her fellow authors.


The very words she quoted on her profile.
“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

In memory of Stephanie Bell.

my sensible heart

I've been on a tremendous journey of rediscovering myself these last few months. It's been an adventure and a step of faith. I think for a person to truly see themselves for what they are they have to be vulnerable to the outside world. Cast a bit of themselves unto the ones they care about and see what is received, what is interpreted, what is given back.

It has been a difficult task, to be that kind of vulnerable to the world. For as much as I have been strengthened by the trial that has come, I have been equally weakened. My heart, my tender, passionate, sympathetic, sensible heart has come very far from the heartache I felt three months ago. But in it's wake I was left with a bitter taste of uncertainty and a lingering sense of doubt. I have always believed in the people I love, no matter the cost. And I learned the consequences that come with that action. However, I don't know that it is something I want to change, merely something I must cope with now.

I've learned a lot about myself, relearned even more. And its frustrating to me, to see the pieces I tucked away, the things I tried to deny myself, and the unnecessary pain I endured. For what?

And yet, it's been like coming home. Touching pen to paper, feeling the burden on my soul lift and an overwhelming sense of peace take its place. I've remembered the passions that keep me alive, the things that give me purpose and for now I'm okay with not knowing where I'm headed. I'm okay with discovering what twenty-three year old me is all about. I've learned to trust my own heart, listen to the things that my soul cries to me, and understand that I am a complex and beautiful woman with a soul that goes deeper than many will ever discover.

I've recognized that it's always been easier for me to pour myself out onto paper, than to express the depths of myself face to face. I'm not sure why, maybe it's more poetic this way. I've learned that solitude is necessary for me after a long day with friends, that I'd rather curl up with a book than spend a day shopping. I'd rather loved and lost than not loved at all. I've come to see how real and valuable my emotions are, there is nothing wrong with me, contrary to what I was made to believe. I'm a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, and a girl who has learned how to protect herself from the people who might take advantage of that.

I've learned to see myself through the eyes of the ones who truly love me. See the qualities in myself that they so often point out to me. I've come to latch onto them, the strength, the fire, the passion, the desire to be me. I'm grateful to them, for the woman they see, the one they have helped me rediscover. It is to them I cast my vulnerability, and it is them that have given me back the greatest gifts I could hope for. They've given me back my life.

It's been hard. I won't deny that. It's been nights filled with tears, days filled with time-consuming activities, mornings in solitude. And at the end of every day, I grew a little bit stronger. I grew a little bit more into the woman I have longed to be. This season is far from over. But I think now I'm finally getting to the exciting part, the part where the manifestation of this trial takes center stage. I'm a new woman now, and I couldn't be happier with who I have become.

"I hope to learn as time goes by
that I should trust what's deep inside
burning bright oh burning bright
my sensible heart"

Blessings.

Mo

i can finally breathe

Well, if I knew I was making a prediction about my life a month ago I may not have written that blog. Talk about changes. Everything in the past few weeks has turned me upside down. A future I had planned and dreamt about ceases to exist now.

I'm single.

Took me a few days to swallow that statement, but I finally did. My friends have been my saving grace these past few weeks. I feel a little at a loss for words. I was on this path that seemed so steady and then in the blink of an eye it was all taken out from under me. I'm not sure exactly how I feel at this moment. It's a mixture of grief and joy. I'm just not sure what side I'm leaning towards more.

There is this blank canvas in front of me. Anything I dare to achieve is in front of me, and yet that seems so terrifying. Life has been so safe for years now. I was going to get married, be a wife, one day be a mother, do missions. So set up and safe. And yet now, well I have no idea what is in store for me. And that's the part that is kind of cool and kind of not.

There is this ball of emotions in the pit of my stomach concerning what happened and yet I can't find it in myself to be angry. I'm just ready for life to move forward, ready to breathe and find out who I want to be. The 22 year-old me is so different today than I was a month ago. I could never have guessed my life would be on this path, but now that I am here I don't want to go back. I started a list of goals for myself. A list of things I want to achieve, and for once in a really long time I started to wonder what kind of man God would have for me. It's foreign to me, and part of me still feels so uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship, but I'm still curious.

I'm confused and excited. Saddened and filled with wonder. I'm anxious and joyful. And all I can think is that I'm more ready to take on the world than I ever have been. The world feels revived.

This song does a better job of putting into words the emotions my heart can't quite process yet.

Anberlin "Breathe"

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.