a lyrical soul

Life is comical sometimes. I've been rediscovering my love of words lately. Rediscovering the root of my desire to be a writer. And mostly just rediscovering me, in a new and complete way.

I finally committed to being a vegetarian. My last stop in fully reforming my life this past year. It feels good. Feels like I've finally become who I always strove to be. And I've come full circle in my life as a writer.

My deepest desires as a child were rooted in poetry. I tried to be a journalist (I was semi-successful in this area), I tried to be a novelist (why did my characters all turn into versions of me?), and somehow at the end of it all I found myself seated in a Barnes & Noble with a poetry book in hand. Alas, I am finally a poet again. Actually, I think I've always been one.

Is it really possible for one to have a lyrical soul? Is the life of a romantic sustainable in such a world? I'd have to say yes...and yes. There's something that comes bursting out of you when you accept who you are supposed to be. Who you were born to be. I cannot deny that words are my passion, and somehow, someway I inherited a love for sharing my heart with others. The two blend together in perfect harmony.

My heart, my pain, my passion, my sorrow, my joy...all spread out on paper...or blog, for the world to see.

I've finally found a way to share all my emotions with others in a way that puts my passion to use. Writing about the heartache of the past year has been done so vaguely, but lately I've felt the call to really share the details of that pain. Really share the manifestation of such an experience and I'm intrigued by the response of those around me.

The dream of being published has become more than just a dream lately. I've tried fighting against my passion before, but now I'm accepting it with open arms. I love poetry, I love words, and I have the biggest group of cheerleaders/supporters I could have asked for.

I know this journey has just begun, but I do love a challenge. And this time around I'm a person I've never been before. I'm stronger, braver, and more complete than ever before.

“GENIUS MIGHT BE THE ABILITY TO SAY A PROFOUND THING IN A SIMPLE WAY.” -CHARLES BUKOWSKI

life and death

So, I started a series of writing to kind of experiment with poetry again. It's slowly becoming a collection of poems about "The In Between." What lies between fear and courage, or night and day? It's been a burst of creativity, one that I am hard pressed to deny.

And so I've started collecting the inspirations and writing them as they come. This one in particular is about my grandmother that sort of came pouring out as I was holding her hand in the hospital. It's an interesting thing how much pain can trigger inspiration. But alas, I don't claim to understand these things. I've just simply come to accept them.

The place between life and death is a hard place to be.

As I watched her deep breaths surrounded by the machines pumping life into her, I could think of nothing else but the pain she was in.

This woman, full of joy and beauty, was stuck in the in-between. Reaching, aching, for heaven and being held to earth by the love of her family.

The love for her family.

The day was fitting. Dark clouds, a gusting wind, a solemn understanding.

Her mind had ceased working, as it should many months ago. She was clinging to the memories she had and relying on the others we could give her.

The sound of nurses bustling around in the background filled the room. Everything felt like slow motion, like a dream.

Was she awake or asleep? The voices seemed so distant, the strength she once had so unattainable. It was a siren’s call, a plea, a bargain.

Heaven was calling.

Would she answer the call today?

a joy unending

Do you ever wonder about how God chose us? As majestic and wondrous as He is, He chose us. His love, unconditional and endless, is truly amazing.

I entered this year full of pain, grieving and broken and now here I am full of a joy so overwhelming and perfect I can’t even put words to the way my heart feels. It is the presence of His love that made all the difference; He chose me, and he drew me closer to Him.

I was so fearful eight months ago, that I would never want marriage again, that my future was this melancholy blank canvas that was sure to not be as wonderful as it could have been. I couldn’t see anything in front of me, and that reality was something I was deeply scared of.

I can’t even begin to put words to the incredible things God has done to my heart, to my dying spirit, my lost passion for writing. He brought this gentle and comforting Love to me. And in the moment when I wanted to push Him away He held me tightly, knowing more than anything, I needed my Papa. He reminded me of the one constant part of my identity, I was His child, and He loved me.

I am 23 this year, two weeks ago to be exact, and for the first time I feel my age. I feel the excitement that comes with being 23, I claim the wisdom that has come with the things I’ve endured, I feel curious about the future, I feel free. But most of all I feel joy. An exciting and wonderful joy, that even in chaos remains.

An amazing musician wrote this song where he describes how beautiful our God is, how amazing it is that He loved us first and how because of Him “every smile is arrayed with a joy like wedding bells.” The simple fact that I can feel a joy like that is testament in itself to God’s grace and His love.

I’m still in this place of unknowing. I don’t yet see my future much farther ahead than the next week. But each day He gives me a piece of the puzzle, lights my path a little bit farther ahead, heals my broken spirit in another way. I am so blessed, so unbelievably blessed by God to be in the place in life that I am right now.

I am no longer just a wandering soul. I have a passion for people, a gift of prophecy, a love of words that encourages and heals, a voice that yearns to raise its praises to our Father, and a heart so full of His love and joy. I am the best I have ever been, and the wonderful part is that I have no idea what’s next. And I’m okay with that. I loved by my Father, and that is more than enough.

Blessings.

Mo

where i stood

A letter to you.

It's  ironic how Missy Higgins was the voice of reason that told me I loved you. Driving to your house one day and hearing her voice, I just knew. And it was driving home one day, hearing her sing that I was reminded it's really over...

Her words are a bit more eloquent than I can seem to make mine...

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood 

There is so much love in my heart for you, and it's the small things that I think will remind me of you for a long time. I see Law & Order and can't help but think of your mom, I saw your comment on a Boundless article recently and I remember endless discussions coming from the things we read. It will be your insane love for shoes, Monster energy drinks, the beach, and me that I will treasure.  I adore you. I always have, and I know that at least now I can look back fondly on all the things you taught me, the gifts you gave me, and I can be grateful for the person you were in my life. There is nothing but my hope for your amazing future left now. 

But now I know I need to live life single. I need to find out where that road leads me. I need to discover my own definition of who I should be. But I fully believe there is someone who will compliment you in ways I was never able to. And she will love you more than I could. You have such a wonderful future ahead of you, full of promise and happiness with someone whom you cherish. I am always here should you need me. And I have loved you more than anyone I have loved at all...

Mo.

revived, refreshed, ready

She sat listening, as the rain hit the pavement, the thunder rolling in the distant sky. The days had gotten longer lately, harder, full of trial. Her heart had ceased to heal the way she wanted, but as she listened to the raindrops fall and let the smell of renewal overwhelm her she could sense Him. She could finally feel Him. She couldn’t count the number of days since she had felt his presence in this way but the air was alive with His love and His embrace. The wind was full of His power, His majesty. In the midst of the rain, and the cold, she knew He was calling her name. He was surrounding her and it was a welcomed sense of comfort.

The world had stopped, the sound of rain echoing in her now distant mind. She could smell the wet Earth; feel the wind as it embraced her. But her Spirit had awoken with the desire to lift her face to the heavens. She was alive, alive in this moment more than she had been in many days. And despite the ache in her heart there was an endless joy. The endless call of the earth’s praise towards the heavens revived her.

----

This is my prayer, in the desert, in this seemingly endless season of sorrow and trial, that my heart remember this moment. Remember this overwhelming sense of joy. The sound of earth praising it’s creator, the underlying beckoning of my Father for my heart and my pain. He is the one who hears my cry, he knows my fears before I bring them to his feet and he will deliver me from them.

I will rejoice in this moment, rejoice in the renewal of my hope and my faith. I have a reason to praise. If only for this sound, this smell, the color of a darkened sky, the power of a blowing wind. In every season, even in this desert one, I will rejoice. And I will let the sorrows that fill my heart now, build me into a stronger woman. So that when I am emptied again my hope remains.

----

It was an amazing sound, the loud rolling of thunder and the cry of the heavens. It brought the desert to life. It was in this darkened time, when the sky was black and everything was wet, that she felt the Lord around her more clearly than any other time. And she saw it, the symbolic nature of such a thing. It was in her weakness that she too felt close to the Lord. In the times when sorrow seemed abounding and the season of trial seemed to never have an end that she drew herself closer to the Almighty Father. That she was brought to her knees.

She knew then, that the clouds would linger for a time, the tears would fall. But in the end she would be new, revived, refreshed, ready. It was an ironic connection she had to the rain, but here in the desert she was grateful for the gift, an endless earth full of endless joy. It was hers for the taking, and she would not hesitate to accept the peace.

When the rain ceases, the promise will remain. And in His arms I will reside. Revived, Refreshed, and Ready.