So I’m confused…and I am full of wonder…and as the year winds down I am reflective looking back on the road I have traveled.
In an effort to sort out my faith I feel like things got even more complicated. It seemed so simple before. But now…well now it feels like the doors have been blown wide open and I am in the midst of it all. As odd as it may sound though, I am truly grateful for the confusion that has settled over my life. I know in the end my faith will be my own.
Growing up in the church did a lot for me, in both good and bad ways, as I imagine it does for a lot of “lifers.”
I took a huge step back from everything related to ministry about six months ago and just looked at the path I had traveled. It was meaningful and it shaped me in such an amazing way, but now I am an adult. And I have to say, the innocence of my faith has been tainted, tainted by people and our fallen humanity.
Things seem a little less clear nowadays. There is a part of me that wishes I could have that naivety back and then there is half of me that wants to face this so that my foundation is real and is my own.
I’ve been on a this quest to discover why I believe what I believe and what I should keep on believing. It’s just that growing up in the church gave me what I feel is best described as a false sense of reality. I believed what my parents believed and held their beliefs as though they were my own. Definitely not the right way to go…
I discovered the error of my thinking over a lengthy and painful year. It’s been an up and down ride for me, but I think the most important thing I’ve come away with is the ability to exist and live in even the most painful of times. Faith is always easy when life is great, but I really experienced a deep sense of pain and trial this year that has made me stronger (and confused) but capable.
God has had his hand over me for a very long time and I know this darkness and confusion will leave me one day and I will be made perfect in weakness. I wait on that day and for now I live as best as I can. I’ve had to learn the hard way to accept my weaknesses, something that pride never allowed. It’s when I was struck to my knees that humility could finally settle in.
I feel at peace though, even in the midst of blindness. I know that light will get stronger as I find out more of who I am in Christ, and when less of my heart is connected to the world.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
pause...and think about it
I started today with a heavy heart. A good heaviness. The kind that makes me evaluate just where I am in Christ...Where I am in Christ? What does that even mean...
A friend had a tremendously emotive video on her blog a few days ago. I watched it, with no real expectations and then the climax hit and I was frozen in wonder of the Lord's majesty. I often feel out of place in life, like the black sheep in with all the normal ones. I questioned my relationship with the God a lot. I believed if I read more, prayed more, served more I could feel more whole.
Thing is, I have always felt close to God the father. Yet, I would feel days of loneliness, or even sadness and wonder where they were coming from. My relationship with my heavenly father has been sound for years now and without thought the Holy Spirit has always stepped in for my lack of righteousness. But after watching that video it all occurred to me. The Father, the Holy Ghost...what about the Son? Who is the Son in my life?
I know that Jesus is the only way to the Father and I am always grateful for the mercy and the grace that has been bestowed on my life. But I took my Savior for granted. My Savior was just that, my Savior. Nothing more...but he is so much more. I find that the Trinity and their roles can be hard to wrap my mind around sometimes, but that's usually when I'm thinking about it too much. Honestly, it's simple...there is my Father, my Conscience, and my Beautiful Savior. A father, his son, and the spirit-- a perfect symbol of everything my soul needs to be whole.
So how is it that for so long I could believe I didn't need to live with my Savior? Truth be told, I didn't live. I cried, I ached, I longed to be whole. My father had always been there loving me and disciplining me, but I was so confused why I still felt empty. I didn't realize just what role my Savior played in my life.
"For it pleased the Father that in Him all the fullness should dwell..." Colossians 1:19
My peace, my Prince of Peace...my freedom, my hope, my forgiveness, my shepherd, my counselor, everything is in him. The fullness of my life is in Christ. And God wanted it this way. He created it this way.
There is an on campus Bible Study I attend and this past week the Pastor who leads it asked us to think about our doctrinal beliefs. Why we believe what we believe. There were a lot of doctrines he brought up that really made me question my own faith, including this idea that praying Jesus into your life gets you to heaven. I honestly believe now, that is not the whole truth. Jesus is most certainly the way, the truth, and the life. He is however, not a revolving door. We don't get to pray a prayer of salvation and then walk away without remorse expecting it will be the same when we return. Repentance, true, honest, heart breaking, on your knees repentance is what gives us life.
I feel cheated almost, that I missed out on this peace. I thought I was safe, that I prayed a prayer, I lived a life, I served in the church. WHY AM I SO EMPTY? I didn't understand, and I never knew what was missing. But I didn't know anything was wrong either. I thought it was me. It was what I had grown to believe because I had never learned anything else. Jesus was my Savior, and he was who I needed in my heart. God was my father and he was who I needed to pray to. the end. Granted, I am responsible for my own faith, but I never thought anything was wrong with the simplicity of what I knew.
...I feel whole today. I have felt whole for 24 hours. I feel peace today. I have never felt peace like this in my life. I am in love with Christ today. I have never known this kind of love. I am so grateful to today. I have always loved my Father...
I understand now the part that was missing. Jesus isn't a cure all, "I'm in heaven for sure now guys!" He is mighty and his love is overwhelming and fulfilling when you finally understand the life that he breathes into us. My Enlightener enlightened me. I've lived an empty doctrinal life picking up what I have been taught without evaluating it. It's time to make my faith my own, and truly know just who I am in Christ...and who Christ is for that matter. Who is Christ to you?
A friend had a tremendously emotive video on her blog a few days ago. I watched it, with no real expectations and then the climax hit and I was frozen in wonder of the Lord's majesty. I often feel out of place in life, like the black sheep in with all the normal ones. I questioned my relationship with the God a lot. I believed if I read more, prayed more, served more I could feel more whole.
Thing is, I have always felt close to God the father. Yet, I would feel days of loneliness, or even sadness and wonder where they were coming from. My relationship with my heavenly father has been sound for years now and without thought the Holy Spirit has always stepped in for my lack of righteousness. But after watching that video it all occurred to me. The Father, the Holy Ghost...what about the Son? Who is the Son in my life?
I know that Jesus is the only way to the Father and I am always grateful for the mercy and the grace that has been bestowed on my life. But I took my Savior for granted. My Savior was just that, my Savior. Nothing more...but he is so much more. I find that the Trinity and their roles can be hard to wrap my mind around sometimes, but that's usually when I'm thinking about it too much. Honestly, it's simple...there is my Father, my Conscience, and my Beautiful Savior. A father, his son, and the spirit-- a perfect symbol of everything my soul needs to be whole.
So how is it that for so long I could believe I didn't need to live with my Savior? Truth be told, I didn't live. I cried, I ached, I longed to be whole. My father had always been there loving me and disciplining me, but I was so confused why I still felt empty. I didn't realize just what role my Savior played in my life.
"For it pleased the Father that in Him all the fullness should dwell..." Colossians 1:19
My peace, my Prince of Peace...my freedom, my hope, my forgiveness, my shepherd, my counselor, everything is in him. The fullness of my life is in Christ. And God wanted it this way. He created it this way.
There is an on campus Bible Study I attend and this past week the Pastor who leads it asked us to think about our doctrinal beliefs. Why we believe what we believe. There were a lot of doctrines he brought up that really made me question my own faith, including this idea that praying Jesus into your life gets you to heaven. I honestly believe now, that is not the whole truth. Jesus is most certainly the way, the truth, and the life. He is however, not a revolving door. We don't get to pray a prayer of salvation and then walk away without remorse expecting it will be the same when we return. Repentance, true, honest, heart breaking, on your knees repentance is what gives us life.
I feel cheated almost, that I missed out on this peace. I thought I was safe, that I prayed a prayer, I lived a life, I served in the church. WHY AM I SO EMPTY? I didn't understand, and I never knew what was missing. But I didn't know anything was wrong either. I thought it was me. It was what I had grown to believe because I had never learned anything else. Jesus was my Savior, and he was who I needed in my heart. God was my father and he was who I needed to pray to. the end. Granted, I am responsible for my own faith, but I never thought anything was wrong with the simplicity of what I knew.
...I feel whole today. I have felt whole for 24 hours. I feel peace today. I have never felt peace like this in my life. I am in love with Christ today. I have never known this kind of love. I am so grateful to today. I have always loved my Father...
I understand now the part that was missing. Jesus isn't a cure all, "I'm in heaven for sure now guys!" He is mighty and his love is overwhelming and fulfilling when you finally understand the life that he breathes into us. My Enlightener enlightened me. I've lived an empty doctrinal life picking up what I have been taught without evaluating it. It's time to make my faith my own, and truly know just who I am in Christ...and who Christ is for that matter. Who is Christ to you?
Saturday, November 10, 2007
a new season of life
So, it's a Saturday and I can say I am definitely glad to be home. I've tried awfully hard to avoid the blogspot, myspace, facebook world and I still hold my stance on facebook, but blogging has always been an interest for me. I finally caved and joined the forces of the internet blogspot. So here I am, charting a new phase and season of life in a new place.
I have to say that this is a unique season to my life, which all of them are. This one however, makes me feel much more adult. I've always looked at each changing year or time as a season of life. I think it makes the change more bearable and more exciting. This season is unique in the fact that I am recently engaged. Still rather odd to say, or write for that matter. I enjoy it of course because I enjoy being around the man I am going to marry. It's a strange feeling becoming a fiancee and soon a wife.
Life is changing before me a lot faster than it seems I can keep up lately. Relationships beginning and ending and others becoming deeper and stronger. I wish I had the words to express the gratitude I have for the people who love me. It seems there isn't an expression big enough, or great enough to describe them.
With a marriage coming before me, a graduation date to strive for, and a career advancement to hope for, it seems I don't have much more to ask. And I don't. I rest here, in this place of my life. Even though everything around me is spinning, I can still feel peace about the road ahead.
Writing has alway calmed my very impatient heart, and it seems I have a good place to start.
I have to say that this is a unique season to my life, which all of them are. This one however, makes me feel much more adult. I've always looked at each changing year or time as a season of life. I think it makes the change more bearable and more exciting. This season is unique in the fact that I am recently engaged. Still rather odd to say, or write for that matter. I enjoy it of course because I enjoy being around the man I am going to marry. It's a strange feeling becoming a fiancee and soon a wife.
Life is changing before me a lot faster than it seems I can keep up lately. Relationships beginning and ending and others becoming deeper and stronger. I wish I had the words to express the gratitude I have for the people who love me. It seems there isn't an expression big enough, or great enough to describe them.
With a marriage coming before me, a graduation date to strive for, and a career advancement to hope for, it seems I don't have much more to ask. And I don't. I rest here, in this place of my life. Even though everything around me is spinning, I can still feel peace about the road ahead.
Writing has alway calmed my very impatient heart, and it seems I have a good place to start.
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