the road often traveled

So I’m confused…and I am full of wonder…and as the year winds down I am reflective looking back on the road I have traveled.

In an effort to sort out my faith I feel like things got even more complicated. It seemed so simple before. But now…well now it feels like the doors have been blown wide open and I am in the midst of it all. As odd as it may sound though, I am truly grateful for the confusion that has settled over my life. I know in the end my faith will be my own.

Growing up in the church did a lot for me, in both good and bad ways, as I imagine it does for a lot of “lifers.”

I took a huge step back from everything related to ministry about six months ago and just looked at the path I had traveled. It was meaningful and it shaped me in such an amazing way, but now I am an adult. And I have to say, the innocence of my faith has been tainted, tainted by people and our fallen humanity.

Things seem a little less clear nowadays. There is a part of me that wishes I could have that naivety back and then there is half of me that wants to face this so that my foundation is real and is my own.

I’ve been on a this quest to discover why I believe what I believe and what I should keep on believing. It’s just that growing up in the church gave me what I feel is best described as a false sense of reality. I believed what my parents believed and held their beliefs as though they were my own. Definitely not the right way to go…

I discovered the error of my thinking over a lengthy and painful year. It’s been an up and down ride for me, but I think the most important thing I’ve come away with is the ability to exist and live in even the most painful of times. Faith is always easy when life is great, but I really experienced a deep sense of pain and trial this year that has made me stronger (and confused) but capable.

God has had his hand over me for a very long time and I know this darkness and confusion will leave me one day and I will be made perfect in weakness. I wait on that day and for now I live as best as I can. I’ve had to learn the hard way to accept my weaknesses, something that pride never allowed. It’s when I was struck to my knees that humility could finally settle in.

I feel at peace though, even in the midst of blindness. I know that light will get stronger as I find out more of who I am in Christ, and when less of my heart is connected to the world.