"Yesterday I lay on the floor, and cried. I'm too ashamed to open my eyes this time...
Humiliated and broken. Hurting inside..."
I was in class early this morning, hoping for an empty room where I could work on homework when I walked in on a young woman performing this song in sign language. What an amazing gift she gave me today. It was an honor for her to let me watch and I was so moved by her song and the grace in which she performed it. She told me how the song had been heavy on her heart lately, and I was so grateful she had found some peace in performing it. I never even caught her name come to think of it, but it was a really beautiful thing.
I've come to notice that I write most often when life is kind of somber. I'm really not sure why that is. Maybe it's out of that ache that good writing comes. But I know good writing comes from joy too. I think, that in my own life, its easiest for me to write when things need figuring out. I can sit here and type them out. Let my confusion take me on a journey in a way.
The pendulum of my life has been swinging pretty hectic lately. I'm not sure what side I'm on right now, I know I'm just hoping for a bit of guidance.
My Asian culture class has been talking a lot about the idea of unity and how life is kind of a cycle. An Asian theme of continuity, but much the same as the idea that life is full of valleys and mountaintops, not just a straight up or down. As humans we constantly use patience, humility, kindness, greed, selfishness, pride, etc. to keep the pendulum moving. And I think its the understanding of such things that has helped me become more grateful for the journey. I may not have control over all the things that move the pendulum, but I do have control over my own heart, my own guilt, and the sins I carry that I must lay down before the Lord.
I'm not really sure if it's just my age, or the place in life, or both, but I'm becoming more aware of how much growing up I am doing. How much stretching and shaping I think the Lord has done in me in the past few years, and how much more humility I will need to get through the next few. I find myself reflecting a lot during these times, remembering who I was and reassured that I have come a long way. If I could take a snapshot of life, right here, right on this side of the pendulum, I think it would show how grateful I am to be loved by the Lord...and the trail of sorrow I left behind in the wake of the Lord's renewal.
I'm blessed to be his daughter.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
upon remembrance
It's been a somber day. One filled with reflection, remembrance and pride.
There are two dates that stand out in the past couple of days. The 9th and the 11th.
My grandmother, affectionately named Grammy, was born on September 9, 1939. She died September 29, 2000. Irony in those dates. She was an amazing woman. One with courage and fierceness that many only dream of possessing. It was breast cancer that claimed her life, but it was faith that marked it. She never lost faith, even in the face of chemotherapy and despair.
The effects of her absence, of course, have lessened over the years. And living days without her have gotten easier. It's in the milestones of my life that I long for her, but I know how proud she would be of me in this moment.
Her birthday was filled with memories. Memories from both ends of the spectrum, but on that day I thanked the Lord upon every remembrance of the beautiful woman that was my grandmother. I thank him now for the remembrance of her beautiful face, her charming heart, and the light that always seemed to shine even in her darkest hour. Even when she could not remember our names or recognize our faces, when the cancer had claimed her brain...even then, her light was extraordinary.
When she passed I would often sit on our porch and watch the yellow roses that bloomed in our planter. That winter for some reason the rose bush died and in the Spring it didn't bloom again. I was devastated, because those yellow roses became a symbol of the woman she was. And so, time went on, and a year later in the Spring a beautiful and majestic rose bud popped up from the ground. It wasn't yellow anymore, no it was red. But those red roses were the most amazing gift of love from my Papa, a gift that let me know it was time to stop grieving.
Ironically enough, yellow roses symbolize gladness, friendship, joy, and the promise of new beginnings. What a new beginning I received.
And so, today the remembrance of 9/11 comes back to me. It was so close after losing my grandmother that the state of our nation changed forever. It was a defining moment of my generation; and a defining moment in my grief.
It is today that I can look upon my grandmother's memory and my nation and reflect at what transpired, remember the emotions and the loss, and feel proud. Proud to have known a woman so full of Jesus and proud of my country's courage in the face of tragedy.
We may live in a fallen world, but we also live beside people who shine bright in it's darkness. I am so blessed to have been born in America, and so blessed to live in a place that allows men and women like my grandmother to shine without fear of death. I'm so extremely overwhelmed with gratitude today and I know words can not express the joy I have to be the granddaughter of Thelma Barton, and a citizen of the United States.
God Bless.
Philippians 1:3 (NKJ)
"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you"
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
never younger than today
I have been twenty-two for only a couple of days and yet I feel different...older. Strange. :)
I'm excited for this next year of womanhood. It is going to be a life changing year for me. I have many new roles to fill this year and I am excited and anxious, and most definitely full of joy at where this next year will take me. I have two wonderful friends who are getting married soon and they have made me a special part of their day. I get to be a bridesmaid and enjoy the blessings of being a sister to another couple who will be able to share in married life with myself and my future husband.
I will be married in a few months, and I am joyous to see where life as a wife (rhymes) takes me. I am immensely blessed by the man who is to be my husband. It has been a tremendous journey for us to be at this moment, but I would never trade all the things we have journeyed through. I have grown up so much in his presence and I thank him for the huge dose of patience he found within himself everyday. He has taught me so much about life and in turn has allowed me to be the woman I have desired to be.
I will graduate college, an immensely self-fulfilling achievement, as I am the first to do so in my family. It is a feeling of pride, the kind of humble, overwhelming, exciting, joyous moment where I will get to walk across that stage and hold a degree hard earned.
I will continue to write, enjoying the inspiration that has come at the release of my insecurities (thank you Lord for that). I will move to a new city, meet new people, enjoy the blossoming friendships I have found in the past few months, watch my Red Sox come back (cross your fingers...), and I will enjoy each trial and challenge I face. And in result, I will take the opportunities that come and the chances for growth and life change.
Twenty-two will be a very different year for me, but I am so excited for all that is going to come and for the things I have yet to experience. I will never be younger than today, but I am blessed.
Image: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. A woman I admire for many reasons. And we share the same birthday:)
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
i love words
I've been looking inside for a while, searching myself for a sense of who I am becoming. I came up with a few things:
I am a writer. I love words...and this story I am writing is going to turn me inside out and upside down.
"A Journey Fulfilled" has been a story I have been writing for about five years now. It started off being called the Fulfillment Project, and in reality it was a project built to bring some sort of fulfillment to my life. For so long I ignored the writer in me and now having embraced it, there is a wholeness that comes from using this gift. It's funny, I hear writers say all the time that every story becomes an autobiography in some way. I dismissed it in my younger years, but writing this story now I see the journey I indeed have embarked on.
I've done a good amount of respectable writing. I was an editor-in-chief for a college newpaper and I have my fair share of fiction, but once I embraced the thought that I am a writer the world opened up in a completely different way.
I get it now. I understand who I am and what I really want out of life. It's been an incredible healing journey and I continue to grow in my understanding of why I was created with the tender heart I have always had. My emotions control 99% of my life, lol, and I love that. I know my fiance could take 15% less and be more sane, but it's that intense range of emotions that gives me inspiration. I see the sadness in strangers eyes when they walk by, I feel the hum of the earth, I sense joy in people around me. It sounds whimsical I suppose, but it's true. Deep inside of me is a call- a love for words and a yearning to put them together.
Everything that I have been through in life has brought me here. Every tear, every broken heart, every misconcieved notion of happiness, every celebration and triumph, and every happy memory brings me to this point in time. When I, as an author, and a writer, can look forward and know that my words have meaning because the journey I have taken has given them strength and wisdom. One day, my children will read my words and they will know that I wrote in a way that meant something...and they will know that I never forgot to be grateful for the fact that I love words.
"There is something deep within us, in everybody, that gets buried and distorted and confused and corrupted by what happens to us. But it is there as a source of insight and healing and strength. I think it's where art comes from."
-Frederick Buechner, In Of Fiction and Faith
Monday, June 9, 2008
i am a humanitarian
So, finals week is here and even though I have a list of things to do a friend's encouragement reminded me I could still update. It's been a crazy ten weeks this quarter. Crazy assignments, classes, and definitely teachers, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've always felt that God had a purpose for me going to college, so no matter what class I've taken or what crazy assignment I've had to do, I have always felt he used even the smallest details of my educational journey.
I was given an assignment a few weeks back to interview someone who had the dream job I wanted. Not really knowing at the time, what my dream job would be, I decided to interview a local Youth Pastor who gave me some wonderful insight. When it came time to present my findings to my classmates I knew perfectly well what I was going to talk about...and I was nervous.
There were three days worth of presentations and ironically enough I was the last person in my class to present. I knew I had to make an impression. Not only did I want my classmates to understand my strong desire to help others, but I also wanted them to understand where it came from. The desires of my heart are not my own, they are a reflection of the Lord and I wanted them to understand that as best they could. Let me remind you, I attend a public university and many of my classmates had already displayed their lack of respect for the Lord.
Needless to say, going in I was a bit leery. I felt like my topic was too serious, too profound...then I told Satan to shut up. My presentation, in summary was meant to paint a picture of a young woman's life in sub-Saharan Africa. Recently raped, and sitting in a room awaiting HIV test results, she was my catalyst for helping them understand my passion and involvement in humanitarian efforts. However, life as a humanitarian is only the foundation. If I am to glorify the Lord, I am going to use this hard earned degree to do it.
But you see, six weeks ago even I didn't know what I was going to use my degree to do. All I knew was that the Lord had led me this far as he was going to eventually show me. And show me, he did. Ironically enough, because of another class I was required to take I fell in love with Conflict Resolution. And after talking to that same pastor I came to realize how much I wanted to work with youth, in conflict resolution, anywhere God would take me. It was such an amazing thing to share with my classmates.
I can't begin to describe how alive I felt proclaiming my love for God in such a way. Needless to say, my classmates were a bit shocked by my presentation, but even more important it brought Glory to God. And I must say, three of my classmates asked me how to get involved in any humanitarian efforts I was involved in. And one openly asked me about how to juggle helping others and releasing the burden to God. The very advice I was given by that Youth Pastor was used to openly discuss the nature of the Holy Spirit in front of my entire class. It was such an amazing moment and the presentation was so rewarding-giving a voice to those who are not heard and having others reply on their behalf.
I couldn't imagine a more gratifying quarter than the one I am about to finish. God has opened up my heart in so many ways and has pushed those boundaries further and further into the relational world I am a part of. I have grown so much in my faith, and I am so glad that the Lord was glorified in all of it.
Mo
P.S. If you want to get involved, there is a simple and easy way to stay up to date with humanitarian efforts around the world and all it takes is a simple letter from you. Visit http://www.worldvision.org/worldvision/wvususfo.nsf/stable/globalissues_homepage to find out more
Sunday, May 11, 2008
wonderful occurrence
When I was young, I had a severe allergy to mosquitoes. Strange, I know. The allergy is still there, however I have a little more will power to avoid scratching than I did at seven. I remember when it first started I was miserable. There was no distraction worthy enough to get me to avoid scratching. I inevitably always made it worse for myself.
It wasn't until the day I discovered writing that I was finally able to overcome the pain. It was a delivered blessing. God used a terrible occurrence to draw out my passion for words. The writing started slowly, cheesy poems about flowers and trees. I was young and in my mind they were masterpieces. I would sit and write for hours, and somehow the allergic reactions started to bother me less and less.
As the years went on I became allergic to more and more random things, but just the same I became more and more invested in writing. I wrote short stories and longer poems that had much more to do with life than just flowers and the oak tree outside my window (though it was a beautiful tree).
It's been almost fifteen years since then and I am blessed to remember the moment that I was captivated by fiction. Just as I can remember the moment I gave my heart and my life to the Lord. Even in all the years of writing I rarely share my words with others. I have kept them hidden and locked away for a long time, the feeling of vulnerability enough to make me tuck them away in a dark corner. Yet time has slowly weakened my resolve and I have felt that the Lord gave me this passion for a reason.
So, for the past year I have been a part of a forum that houses authors like me, who simply want to write for the love of writing. I have been tempted to post stories time and time again, but I always manage to talk myself out of it. I'm good at that. But today, I felt a little more confident than I have before and so for the first time I published a story for others to critique and review. A public forum that hopefully will give me an equal balance of constructive criticism and confidence to move forward.
It was a big day for me. A wonderful occurrence that I actually pushed "publish."
We'll see what the next few weeks bring. As for now, I feel pretty good.
Blessings!
It wasn't until the day I discovered writing that I was finally able to overcome the pain. It was a delivered blessing. God used a terrible occurrence to draw out my passion for words. The writing started slowly, cheesy poems about flowers and trees. I was young and in my mind they were masterpieces. I would sit and write for hours, and somehow the allergic reactions started to bother me less and less.
As the years went on I became allergic to more and more random things, but just the same I became more and more invested in writing. I wrote short stories and longer poems that had much more to do with life than just flowers and the oak tree outside my window (though it was a beautiful tree).
It's been almost fifteen years since then and I am blessed to remember the moment that I was captivated by fiction. Just as I can remember the moment I gave my heart and my life to the Lord. Even in all the years of writing I rarely share my words with others. I have kept them hidden and locked away for a long time, the feeling of vulnerability enough to make me tuck them away in a dark corner. Yet time has slowly weakened my resolve and I have felt that the Lord gave me this passion for a reason.
So, for the past year I have been a part of a forum that houses authors like me, who simply want to write for the love of writing. I have been tempted to post stories time and time again, but I always manage to talk myself out of it. I'm good at that. But today, I felt a little more confident than I have before and so for the first time I published a story for others to critique and review. A public forum that hopefully will give me an equal balance of constructive criticism and confidence to move forward.
It was a big day for me. A wonderful occurrence that I actually pushed "publish."
We'll see what the next few weeks bring. As for now, I feel pretty good.
Blessings!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
something heavenly
"It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender..."
When I first heard this song, there was something unspoken that drew me to it. I didn't even listen to the words at first, just let Matt's voice (Sanctus Real) seep into me. There was a tone, and I like to say a call to my Spirit, that made me listen closely. No matter how many times it happens, I am always amazed how God speaks to my heart. He knows what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear. He knows my introspectvive soul, and he knows how music wakes me from the slump I put myself in. In those moments, all I can do is surrender.
"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly..."
Isn't it strange how the oxymoron of our emotions can somehow exist? This is exactly how I felt when I started studying culture and communications. I felt so at chaos and yet, as I said last week, I feel at peace.
"Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To..."
Matt speaks of something I think all of us experience. A wanderer's heart, that aimlessly climbs over the mountains. What goal am I after? Why is God allowing me to experience pain and hardship? What is it I am supposed to learn? I know that everything is for my well-being, and my Father wants nothing more than to speak to my heart. I am at a quiet place today, understanding that there are many things God wants to show me. There has been a long season of not knowing what it is he is doing inside of me. But I believe he is ready to show me.
"Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears"
I think he, no I know, he was waiting for me to face up. To seek him in everything again. To release all the things that were holding me back. He knew there were things on my heart that I still needed to bring to him. It's an amazing moment to get to share with you, whoever you are, the moment where my Savior tells me I am ready to hear what he knows I have been waiting for--why am I climbing this mountain?
"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly"
So, in the quiet of my heart, and the readiness of my soul, he told me.
...Seek me, know that I am always with you, I love you beyond the beauty of the sunrise you saw this morning, beyond the stars you gaze at tonight, and I am preparing you for the work you have to do for me. There are people you will reach with what you have gained. You will give them that hope and fight you hold inside of your own heart. They will see ME in you, once you reach the top of this mountain. I know this mountain has been a hard climb for you, and I know your heart is ready for peace again. But you are right, this is bigger than you. I have so much for you to gain from everything that has been overwhelming and confusing you. I know you trust me, and I know you love me. Hold onto that reminder of something heavenly. Look for the sunrise I give you tomorrow. I will be there with you. No more chaos. I am here.
"It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out"
Song Lyrics © Sanctus Real "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender..."
When I first heard this song, there was something unspoken that drew me to it. I didn't even listen to the words at first, just let Matt's voice (Sanctus Real) seep into me. There was a tone, and I like to say a call to my Spirit, that made me listen closely. No matter how many times it happens, I am always amazed how God speaks to my heart. He knows what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear. He knows my introspectvive soul, and he knows how music wakes me from the slump I put myself in. In those moments, all I can do is surrender.
"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly..."
Isn't it strange how the oxymoron of our emotions can somehow exist? This is exactly how I felt when I started studying culture and communications. I felt so at chaos and yet, as I said last week, I feel at peace.
"Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To..."
Matt speaks of something I think all of us experience. A wanderer's heart, that aimlessly climbs over the mountains. What goal am I after? Why is God allowing me to experience pain and hardship? What is it I am supposed to learn? I know that everything is for my well-being, and my Father wants nothing more than to speak to my heart. I am at a quiet place today, understanding that there are many things God wants to show me. There has been a long season of not knowing what it is he is doing inside of me. But I believe he is ready to show me.
"Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears"
I think he, no I know, he was waiting for me to face up. To seek him in everything again. To release all the things that were holding me back. He knew there were things on my heart that I still needed to bring to him. It's an amazing moment to get to share with you, whoever you are, the moment where my Savior tells me I am ready to hear what he knows I have been waiting for--why am I climbing this mountain?
"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly"
So, in the quiet of my heart, and the readiness of my soul, he told me.
...Seek me, know that I am always with you, I love you beyond the beauty of the sunrise you saw this morning, beyond the stars you gaze at tonight, and I am preparing you for the work you have to do for me. There are people you will reach with what you have gained. You will give them that hope and fight you hold inside of your own heart. They will see ME in you, once you reach the top of this mountain. I know this mountain has been a hard climb for you, and I know your heart is ready for peace again. But you are right, this is bigger than you. I have so much for you to gain from everything that has been overwhelming and confusing you. I know you trust me, and I know you love me. Hold onto that reminder of something heavenly. Look for the sunrise I give you tomorrow. I will be there with you. No more chaos. I am here.
"It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out"
Song Lyrics © Sanctus Real "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"
Friday, April 25, 2008
stop this train
"Don't stop this train,
Don't for a minute change the place you’re in..."
Strange place in life. I still have to remind myself I'm almost 22. I'm getting older, getting married, and soon getting a degree in Cultural Communication (though not soon enough). I'll never stop this train, the movement of time as I advance into another season of life. I definitely don't want to stop it. I'm just reminiscent of the changes in my life when I reached adulthood and now as I rest comfortably in it. Life is good...
"Once in a while, it'll feel like it should..."
Life definitely is GOOD. I can't imagine being anymore confident in what is happening in my life at this moment. Though I have no idea what will be going on this time next year, I can rest assured that I am completely protected by the Lord’s will in my life, for I am certain I am living out his will. The past year has changed everything about the way I look at the world. And I can believe that five years from now, everything I see will take on a different shade, or maybe even change color. I feel so at peace about being in the dark. Strange statement, but I am so excited for the unexpected because I know that whatever happens God will be the one leading me through it.
When I started studying intercultural communications I was thrown for a big loop. Life in the Western world suddenly opened up and I was gazing at everything with a global perspective. That perspective carried over into my personal life, and as questions started to fill my mind I was sent into a strange and lovely place of discovery. There were so many things that I came to learn and am still learning that have changed so much about how I look at missions and Christianity. If I had any doubt I was studying the wrong thing in school, God has eased all those doubts and in turn put a feeling of peace in my heart.
I've come to understand the value of culture and Christianity in every country around the world. You cannot remove a person form their culture, though you may be able to offer Christianity, the customs and traditions that have been instilled in them cannot be removed all together.
There is a wonderful movie I recommend to anyone interested in missions abroad, or even at home. It is called "The End of the Spear." The story in itself is life changing, and based on real events, but I won't describe that here. What stood out to me was the way in which culture and Jesus were able to coincide. A young girl from this tribe tries to get her people to understand the concept of Jesus. SO she takes the "god" they have all grown up with and describes him as a god who has a son. A son who died for the world and their sins. As time goes on they understand the difference between their "god" and God, but it is the way that she understood her people enough to know that they needed that sense of their own culture to understand the message she wanted to give them.
Missions are not just a two-week stay somewhere. Missionary work is a life calling on each and every one of us. Even if your mission work is in the States, or in the Amazon, or somewhere in Switzerland. Missions is just God's call on us to share his Son with the world. But as I get older and the world changes I realize that my own understandings of the world must deepen. If I wish to go out and spread the good news, I must understand the people that live in the places I go out into. And it is this understanding that gives me the peace that God put me in that field of study for a very important reason. It is the vision of teaching others - fellow missionaries, students, businessman - about the cultures they are stepping into, that has made me see that God has placed that very special call on my life.
I have been a missionary since I was fifteen, and one day I will be a missionary in another country. When? I don't know for sure. I do know that God has given me that desire, and I know that in his own time he will open the right doors, so long as I am seeking his will I will know when to step forward. And I know, that he has given me an amazing man to reassure me of that purpose and to give me companionship as we travel across the world. I will never stop this train, or wish to change the place I am in. I am uncertain, but at peace. I am clueless, but I have faith. And I certainly am not an expert, but God is training me and he has given me the ultimate confidence in his will for that area of my life.
Go out into the world. Even if it is the downtown area of the city you live. Even if it is giving that homeless man a Bible and a word of hope. Even if it is merely serving that cup of coffee with a smile. Even if it is driving patiently on overcrowded Bear Valley. Spread the good news, and that message of Jesus to every person. And if you can, reach into the parts of them that matter- their traditions, their culture, their hearts.
Blessings!
P.S. I highly recommend the song "Stop This Train" with much credit given to John Mayer for his help on establishing this long entry of thoughts:)
Blessings again!
Don't for a minute change the place you’re in..."
Strange place in life. I still have to remind myself I'm almost 22. I'm getting older, getting married, and soon getting a degree in Cultural Communication (though not soon enough). I'll never stop this train, the movement of time as I advance into another season of life. I definitely don't want to stop it. I'm just reminiscent of the changes in my life when I reached adulthood and now as I rest comfortably in it. Life is good...
"Once in a while, it'll feel like it should..."
Life definitely is GOOD. I can't imagine being anymore confident in what is happening in my life at this moment. Though I have no idea what will be going on this time next year, I can rest assured that I am completely protected by the Lord’s will in my life, for I am certain I am living out his will. The past year has changed everything about the way I look at the world. And I can believe that five years from now, everything I see will take on a different shade, or maybe even change color. I feel so at peace about being in the dark. Strange statement, but I am so excited for the unexpected because I know that whatever happens God will be the one leading me through it.
When I started studying intercultural communications I was thrown for a big loop. Life in the Western world suddenly opened up and I was gazing at everything with a global perspective. That perspective carried over into my personal life, and as questions started to fill my mind I was sent into a strange and lovely place of discovery. There were so many things that I came to learn and am still learning that have changed so much about how I look at missions and Christianity. If I had any doubt I was studying the wrong thing in school, God has eased all those doubts and in turn put a feeling of peace in my heart.
I've come to understand the value of culture and Christianity in every country around the world. You cannot remove a person form their culture, though you may be able to offer Christianity, the customs and traditions that have been instilled in them cannot be removed all together.
There is a wonderful movie I recommend to anyone interested in missions abroad, or even at home. It is called "The End of the Spear." The story in itself is life changing, and based on real events, but I won't describe that here. What stood out to me was the way in which culture and Jesus were able to coincide. A young girl from this tribe tries to get her people to understand the concept of Jesus. SO she takes the "god" they have all grown up with and describes him as a god who has a son. A son who died for the world and their sins. As time goes on they understand the difference between their "god" and God, but it is the way that she understood her people enough to know that they needed that sense of their own culture to understand the message she wanted to give them.
Missions are not just a two-week stay somewhere. Missionary work is a life calling on each and every one of us. Even if your mission work is in the States, or in the Amazon, or somewhere in Switzerland. Missions is just God's call on us to share his Son with the world. But as I get older and the world changes I realize that my own understandings of the world must deepen. If I wish to go out and spread the good news, I must understand the people that live in the places I go out into. And it is this understanding that gives me the peace that God put me in that field of study for a very important reason. It is the vision of teaching others - fellow missionaries, students, businessman - about the cultures they are stepping into, that has made me see that God has placed that very special call on my life.
I have been a missionary since I was fifteen, and one day I will be a missionary in another country. When? I don't know for sure. I do know that God has given me that desire, and I know that in his own time he will open the right doors, so long as I am seeking his will I will know when to step forward. And I know, that he has given me an amazing man to reassure me of that purpose and to give me companionship as we travel across the world. I will never stop this train, or wish to change the place I am in. I am uncertain, but at peace. I am clueless, but I have faith. And I certainly am not an expert, but God is training me and he has given me the ultimate confidence in his will for that area of my life.
Go out into the world. Even if it is the downtown area of the city you live. Even if it is giving that homeless man a Bible and a word of hope. Even if it is merely serving that cup of coffee with a smile. Even if it is driving patiently on overcrowded Bear Valley. Spread the good news, and that message of Jesus to every person. And if you can, reach into the parts of them that matter- their traditions, their culture, their hearts.
Blessings!
P.S. I highly recommend the song "Stop This Train" with much credit given to John Mayer for his help on establishing this long entry of thoughts:)
Blessings again!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
a ray of hope...
It's almost midnight, and I had too much caffeine for my own good tonight. In between all the assignments due this week and the crazy amount of hours at work I have to say an extra cup of coffee isn't too much of a bad thing. It appears life has been a bit of a blur this past couple months. Winter Quarter has me consumed in reading and writing papers every week, but I do have to say it has re-established my love of writing--and I have not had that for quite some time.
It's times like these that I really need to write, I crave it, and the release it brings to my soul. Someone close to me lost her father on Friday. He lost his battle to depression. I've never quite understood depression, although I have experienced this kind of loss before. I was so saddened by the loneliness he must have felt in his own heart and spirit to see no other way out. I imagine he felt he was battling a disease he could never win. I can never know what someone in that position feels, and I will never pretend to understand that kind of pain.
I wonder how many times we think of the deep sorrow that lies within the hearts of people around us. Or how many times we ignore it. I think of a young girl who comes to me every morning yearning for a cup of coffee to get her through the day. I always wondered what could make her so tired. She is young and vibrant; she should be energized and full of life. What I did not know is that young girl stays up until three in the morning every day cleaning bars and restaurants with her mother so they can afford somewhere to live. At eight she wakes for an eight-hour day, and I am the person who can give her that little cup of hope every morning. She lives in pain, and she often feels like there is no way out, but how inspiring to me that making her drink everyday has given her something to look forward to.
Life is busy; I think it will always be. Somehow we must learn to slow our minds and our hearts down to embrace the world around us. When I was younger, I was guilt of carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders. The entire world it seemed. It took God a while to teach me to release my worries to him, and when I did I understood the opportunity to carry the weight of my friends burdens instead.
I have learned so much in my years as a Christian and as I continue to embrace the desire to change lives for the Lord, I am able to see the things he has brought into my life to shape me. I fully grasp the need to love one another, to give hope, to cherish every breath, everyday. I understand what it means to not let the sun go down on your anger, to forgive one another and to live each day with heaven as your goal. My cousin's father was a man of the Lord, and I believe just what Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I believe her father is heaven, and I reminded that lives are precious and there are many hurting people who are alone because they do not know the Lord. Each of us deserves the chance to know joy, and the chance to be loved in such an unconditional way. I pray you go out and seek those who are lost, and bring them back to the Father who can heal them, and give them life...for eternity.
Blessings friends.
It's times like these that I really need to write, I crave it, and the release it brings to my soul. Someone close to me lost her father on Friday. He lost his battle to depression. I've never quite understood depression, although I have experienced this kind of loss before. I was so saddened by the loneliness he must have felt in his own heart and spirit to see no other way out. I imagine he felt he was battling a disease he could never win. I can never know what someone in that position feels, and I will never pretend to understand that kind of pain.
I wonder how many times we think of the deep sorrow that lies within the hearts of people around us. Or how many times we ignore it. I think of a young girl who comes to me every morning yearning for a cup of coffee to get her through the day. I always wondered what could make her so tired. She is young and vibrant; she should be energized and full of life. What I did not know is that young girl stays up until three in the morning every day cleaning bars and restaurants with her mother so they can afford somewhere to live. At eight she wakes for an eight-hour day, and I am the person who can give her that little cup of hope every morning. She lives in pain, and she often feels like there is no way out, but how inspiring to me that making her drink everyday has given her something to look forward to.
Life is busy; I think it will always be. Somehow we must learn to slow our minds and our hearts down to embrace the world around us. When I was younger, I was guilt of carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders. The entire world it seemed. It took God a while to teach me to release my worries to him, and when I did I understood the opportunity to carry the weight of my friends burdens instead.
I have learned so much in my years as a Christian and as I continue to embrace the desire to change lives for the Lord, I am able to see the things he has brought into my life to shape me. I fully grasp the need to love one another, to give hope, to cherish every breath, everyday. I understand what it means to not let the sun go down on your anger, to forgive one another and to live each day with heaven as your goal. My cousin's father was a man of the Lord, and I believe just what Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I believe her father is heaven, and I reminded that lives are precious and there are many hurting people who are alone because they do not know the Lord. Each of us deserves the chance to know joy, and the chance to be loved in such an unconditional way. I pray you go out and seek those who are lost, and bring them back to the Father who can heal them, and give them life...for eternity.
Blessings friends.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
sending rain
She ran, hearing the sound of her feet and her heart as they began to beat one. She ran without purpose and without direction. All she knew was that she needed to get the voices out of her head. As her feet hit the ground the images raced through her aching mind. She could feel the pull of the earth beneath her, calling her to stop. The trees of dark green stood tall above her. The sky was dark as the clouds full with rain rolled in.
Listen to me.
She kept running, away from the knowledge of where she needed to be, away from the one she needed to turn to. She shook her head. I need rain. I need answers.
Listen to me.
The air around her was cold and moist. She could sense the storm was near. She had no destination or purpose. The hole in her heart was growing by the day and all she wanted to do was fill it, but she was afraid to.
Listen to me.
Why?
I know you better than you know yourself.
But what if you change my plans?
Maybe I’ll provide something even better.
The pull of the earth overtook her as she slowed to a stop. Out of breath, she fell to her knees in the dark of the forest. The mud lay beneath her as the sky began to open up to the water above and hot tears rolled down her cheeks.
I’m afraid.
I know.
The voice was strong and calm. It pushed at her gently until she silenced herself to hear it. She stayed kneeled down on the ground. The rain was falling now. I want peace.
It’s not time for that yet.
She continued to cry. Her face was red with frustration. Why isn’t it time yet? I can’t do this…please…
I need you to trust me. Let me lead your life.
I’m scared.
I know. And I know your desires. Who said I was to change your plan?
You haven’t given me answers.
Have you asked me?
She sat on the ground in sadness. A sense of overwhelming grief rose inside her. She hung her head in reply…no…I haven’t asked you…
You must trust that I know what’s best for you. You run, in fear, from the things that are the best for you, the things that I have given to change you and make you better. You must stop running. Do you even know where you are going?
She was ashamed now, of forgetting where her strength came from; the glory that lay just beneath her, the power that came from the earth. No, I don’t know where I’m going.
Do you think I would ever hurt you? The voice began to push now, with fierceness not present before. Do you know how much I cherish you…and the desires of your heart?
She looked back up at the sky. Yes…
Hunger, thirst, passion…you run with such determination. Run after me… I promise you I will bless you, I will give you what you long for.
She felt the burden released from her as the earth encouraged her to stand. Run now…I gave you rain. I gave you courage. The things you want are not always what you need. The way in which I choose to raise you and protect you may at first cause you pain, but trust me. I will provide.
She was quiet as she stood. There was no response.
The earth nudged her. Speak to me.
Will you make your heart and mine one?
She could feel the joy in the earth’s response as it embraced her. The wind carried the rain as the drops slowed to a stop. Yes, your heart and mine will always be one… Forever.
I’ll never be good enough.
I’ve never asked you to be. I take you, just as you are.
I want to be someone different.
Then I will help you.
I want hope to shine in me when there is none.
It already does.
She smiled then, as the sun slowly peaked through the grey, trying to shine it’s light through the forest ceiling. You’re all I need.
And I will never leave you. I will always provide, just maybe not in the ways you expect. Now run, in the direction of me.
She nodded her head and began to run…with hope, with courage and with strength. She still had no idea where she was going, but that was the beauty of it. She didn’t need to know, she just needed to trust and the earth would direct her path.
The forest cleared in front of her. Run. And so her journey began…
© 2008
Listen to me.
She kept running, away from the knowledge of where she needed to be, away from the one she needed to turn to. She shook her head. I need rain. I need answers.
Listen to me.
The air around her was cold and moist. She could sense the storm was near. She had no destination or purpose. The hole in her heart was growing by the day and all she wanted to do was fill it, but she was afraid to.
Listen to me.
Why?
I know you better than you know yourself.
But what if you change my plans?
Maybe I’ll provide something even better.
The pull of the earth overtook her as she slowed to a stop. Out of breath, she fell to her knees in the dark of the forest. The mud lay beneath her as the sky began to open up to the water above and hot tears rolled down her cheeks.
I’m afraid.
I know.
The voice was strong and calm. It pushed at her gently until she silenced herself to hear it. She stayed kneeled down on the ground. The rain was falling now. I want peace.
It’s not time for that yet.
She continued to cry. Her face was red with frustration. Why isn’t it time yet? I can’t do this…please…
I need you to trust me. Let me lead your life.
I’m scared.
I know. And I know your desires. Who said I was to change your plan?
You haven’t given me answers.
Have you asked me?
She sat on the ground in sadness. A sense of overwhelming grief rose inside her. She hung her head in reply…no…I haven’t asked you…
You must trust that I know what’s best for you. You run, in fear, from the things that are the best for you, the things that I have given to change you and make you better. You must stop running. Do you even know where you are going?
She was ashamed now, of forgetting where her strength came from; the glory that lay just beneath her, the power that came from the earth. No, I don’t know where I’m going.
Do you think I would ever hurt you? The voice began to push now, with fierceness not present before. Do you know how much I cherish you…and the desires of your heart?
She looked back up at the sky. Yes…
Hunger, thirst, passion…you run with such determination. Run after me… I promise you I will bless you, I will give you what you long for.
She felt the burden released from her as the earth encouraged her to stand. Run now…I gave you rain. I gave you courage. The things you want are not always what you need. The way in which I choose to raise you and protect you may at first cause you pain, but trust me. I will provide.
She was quiet as she stood. There was no response.
The earth nudged her. Speak to me.
Will you make your heart and mine one?
She could feel the joy in the earth’s response as it embraced her. The wind carried the rain as the drops slowed to a stop. Yes, your heart and mine will always be one… Forever.
I’ll never be good enough.
I’ve never asked you to be. I take you, just as you are.
I want to be someone different.
Then I will help you.
I want hope to shine in me when there is none.
It already does.
She smiled then, as the sun slowly peaked through the grey, trying to shine it’s light through the forest ceiling. You’re all I need.
And I will never leave you. I will always provide, just maybe not in the ways you expect. Now run, in the direction of me.
She nodded her head and began to run…with hope, with courage and with strength. She still had no idea where she was going, but that was the beauty of it. She didn’t need to know, she just needed to trust and the earth would direct her path.
The forest cleared in front of her. Run. And so her journey began…
© 2008
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