my hands are holding

There comes a time when God reveals something to you that brings the Bible to life in a way you can't even describe. I've had these moments my whole life. A time when the words you read click together and you reflect back onto that lesson you learned, that mistake you made, that brought the verses to life. Gave them meaning, made you see life in a brand new way. But sometimes, there is a redefining moment in life where God so desperately yearns for you in a way you don't deserve, but a way that makes you feel whole, alive, complete. He is more than enough.

This past year... well, it was hard and I looked away from the Lord a lot. Falling further from grace than I ever wanted to, but his redemption is so sweet. And his love..I can't even describe the way his love made me feel all those times I felt alone. October hit me hard this year, a revelation of how short life can be- yet in a way I never ever want to experience again. Each second, I spend in self-pity, in anger, in pride, is a second I can be spending showing someone else the love that I have been so freely given. A love that is unmatched by anything in this world.

Life is such a small whisper on the wind. So many grandeur things to plan and dream of, and yet such a short spark to fulfill it all in. The time I've wasted in the last year...I wish I hadn't. I learned so much from that despair, and saw once again the love I've had all along form my Savior. But the time I've spent on my sin...I'm only grateful I have come to a place of redemption.

Every breath, every taste, every smell, every new adventure. I'm grateful for the newness of each day, the grace that is extended my way. The chance I have to serve others in every way. I'm rebuilt, my heart has mended, my spirit no longer quenched for the love of the Savior. I'm alive. This overwhelming cry of my heart has come forth. I'm no longer existing. I'm alive. And I am will remember the days of the past, holding tight to the lessons I have learned from the terrible mistakes I have made, and I won't look away from the Savior. I have not earned his love, he has given it and I will look in the Savior's eyes filled with love and know I belong. I belong in those arms, enveloped in grace and love.

I fought with the devil this year, and I'm ever so grateful the Lord fought for me. Because there was a time I didn't know if I was going to come back to the Lord. I was utterly lost and completely frightened for my soul, but that feeling...that small tug on my heartstrings, the whisper of forgiveness--if only I would turn and look. Shame, pride, anger. I wrapped it together and forced it at the Lord. Take it! Heal me! I could think of nothing else to cry out. He heard me and He delivered me from my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

This year is going to be another growing one. I'm kinda looking forward to stretching. Its been an adventure already. A new wedding date, a new position at work, a new store, a new haircut. Fear of change is a terrible thing, but I'm hoping this next year brings peace about that. I've learned many things, the dichotomy has been formed between my past and the future. This moment, this place in my history is bookmarked as a time when I grew up. And I'm glad I stopped fighting the hands that are holding me.

Blessings.