I've been on a tremendous journey of rediscovering myself these last few months. It's been an adventure and a step of faith. I think for a person to truly see themselves for what they are they have to be vulnerable to the outside world. Cast a bit of themselves unto the ones they care about and see what is received, what is interpreted, what is given back.
It has been a difficult task, to be that kind of vulnerable to the world. For as much as I have been strengthened by the trial that has come, I have been equally weakened. My heart, my tender, passionate, sympathetic, sensible heart has come very far from the heartache I felt three months ago. But in it's wake I was left with a bitter taste of uncertainty and a lingering sense of doubt. I have always believed in the people I love, no matter the cost. And I learned the consequences that come with that action. However, I don't know that it is something I want to change, merely something I must cope with now.
I've learned a lot about myself, relearned even more. And its frustrating to me, to see the pieces I tucked away, the things I tried to deny myself, and the unnecessary pain I endured. For what?
And yet, it's been like coming home. Touching pen to paper, feeling the burden on my soul lift and an overwhelming sense of peace take its place. I've remembered the passions that keep me alive, the things that give me purpose and for now I'm okay with not knowing where I'm headed. I'm okay with discovering what twenty-three year old me is all about. I've learned to trust my own heart, listen to the things that my soul cries to me, and understand that I am a complex and beautiful woman with a soul that goes deeper than many will ever discover.
I've recognized that it's always been easier for me to pour myself out onto paper, than to express the depths of myself face to face. I'm not sure why, maybe it's more poetic this way. I've learned that solitude is necessary for me after a long day with friends, that I'd rather curl up with a book than spend a day shopping. I'd rather loved and lost than not loved at all. I've come to see how real and valuable my emotions are, there is nothing wrong with me, contrary to what I was made to believe. I'm a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, and a girl who has learned how to protect herself from the people who might take advantage of that.
I've learned to see myself through the eyes of the ones who truly love me. See the qualities in myself that they so often point out to me. I've come to latch onto them, the strength, the fire, the passion, the desire to be me. I'm grateful to them, for the woman they see, the one they have helped me rediscover. It is to them I cast my vulnerability, and it is them that have given me back the greatest gifts I could hope for. They've given me back my life.
It's been hard. I won't deny that. It's been nights filled with tears, days filled with time-consuming activities, mornings in solitude. And at the end of every day, I grew a little bit stronger. I grew a little bit more into the woman I have longed to be. This season is far from over. But I think now I'm finally getting to the exciting part, the part where the manifestation of this trial takes center stage. I'm a new woman now, and I couldn't be happier with who I have become.
"I hope to learn as time goes by
that I should trust what's deep inside
burning bright oh burning bright
my sensible heart"
Blessings.
Mo
