the pendulum

"Yesterday I lay on the floor, and cried. I'm too ashamed to open my eyes this time...

Humiliated and broken. Hurting inside..."

I was in class early this morning, hoping for an empty room where I could work on homework when I walked in on a young woman performing this song in sign language. What an amazing gift she gave me today. It was an honor for her to let me watch and I was so moved by her song and the grace in which she performed it. She told me how the song had been heavy on her heart lately, and I was so grateful she had found some peace in performing it. I never even caught her name come to think of it, but it was a really beautiful thing.

I've come to notice that I write most often when life is kind of somber. I'm really not sure why that is. Maybe it's out of that ache that good writing comes. But I know good writing comes from joy too. I think, that in my own life, its easiest for me to write when things need figuring out. I can sit here and type them out. Let my confusion take me on a journey in a way.

The pendulum of my life has been swinging pretty hectic lately. I'm not sure what side I'm on right now, I know I'm just hoping for a bit of guidance.

My Asian culture class has been talking a lot about the idea of unity and how life is kind of a cycle. An Asian theme of continuity, but much the same as the idea that life is full of valleys and mountaintops, not just a straight up or down. As humans we constantly use patience, humility, kindness, greed, selfishness, pride, etc. to keep the pendulum moving. And I think its the understanding of such things that has helped me become more grateful for the journey. I may not have control over all the things that move the pendulum, but I do have control over my own heart, my own guilt, and the sins I carry that I must lay down before the Lord.

I'm not really sure if it's just my age, or the place in life, or both, but I'm becoming more aware of how much growing up I am doing. How much stretching and shaping I think the Lord has done in me in the past few years, and how much more humility I will need to get through the next few. I find myself reflecting a lot during these times, remembering who I was and reassured that I have come a long way. If I could take a snapshot of life, right here, right on this side of the pendulum, I think it would show how grateful I am to be loved by the Lord...and the trail of sorrow I left behind in the wake of the Lord's renewal.

I'm blessed to be his daughter.