i can finally breathe

Well, if I knew I was making a prediction about my life a month ago I may not have written that blog. Talk about changes. Everything in the past few weeks has turned me upside down. A future I had planned and dreamt about ceases to exist now.

I'm single.

Took me a few days to swallow that statement, but I finally did. My friends have been my saving grace these past few weeks. I feel a little at a loss for words. I was on this path that seemed so steady and then in the blink of an eye it was all taken out from under me. I'm not sure exactly how I feel at this moment. It's a mixture of grief and joy. I'm just not sure what side I'm leaning towards more.

There is this blank canvas in front of me. Anything I dare to achieve is in front of me, and yet that seems so terrifying. Life has been so safe for years now. I was going to get married, be a wife, one day be a mother, do missions. So set up and safe. And yet now, well I have no idea what is in store for me. And that's the part that is kind of cool and kind of not.

There is this ball of emotions in the pit of my stomach concerning what happened and yet I can't find it in myself to be angry. I'm just ready for life to move forward, ready to breathe and find out who I want to be. The 22 year-old me is so different today than I was a month ago. I could never have guessed my life would be on this path, but now that I am here I don't want to go back. I started a list of goals for myself. A list of things I want to achieve, and for once in a really long time I started to wonder what kind of man God would have for me. It's foreign to me, and part of me still feels so uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship, but I'm still curious.

I'm confused and excited. Saddened and filled with wonder. I'm anxious and joyful. And all I can think is that I'm more ready to take on the world than I ever have been. The world feels revived.

This song does a better job of putting into words the emotions my heart can't quite process yet.

Anberlin "Breathe"

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.