live.

Nothing can prepare you for the moment a loved one takes their last breath. No hospice book or endless amount of advice can show you what it’s going to feel like when that person is gone. The sting of sorrow that I feel is counteracted by the relief that she’s no longer in pain.

I dreamt of her just a couple hours after she left us. Cheeky little thing she was I imagine it was her doing. One final gift, to erase my last image of her lifeless in a hospital bed. She said goodbye to me, kissed me on the cheek and told me she loved me. And it was my grandma, in all her glory-- bright red hair, bright red nails, and that beautiful lipstick she always wore. Her shining eyes telling me she was ready, and she was happy. It was all the gift I needed.

Sitting here now on the floor of my room, next to an empty hospital bed, I find some sense of solace. She is at peace. Her body in its perfect state, her mind awash with newness. And I can look forward and know we’ll be okay. We’ll feel the tinge of sadness at her absence in plenty of milestones to come. But we’ll find a way to keep her memory alive. Be it in a name, an action, or some silly story. We are her legacy, and there is no way, as long as we’re alive, that we’ll ever forget her.

Rest in peace, Grandma. We love you more than words can say.