the pendulum

"Yesterday I lay on the floor, and cried. I'm too ashamed to open my eyes this time...

Humiliated and broken. Hurting inside..."

I was in class early this morning, hoping for an empty room where I could work on homework when I walked in on a young woman performing this song in sign language. What an amazing gift she gave me today. It was an honor for her to let me watch and I was so moved by her song and the grace in which she performed it. She told me how the song had been heavy on her heart lately, and I was so grateful she had found some peace in performing it. I never even caught her name come to think of it, but it was a really beautiful thing.

I've come to notice that I write most often when life is kind of somber. I'm really not sure why that is. Maybe it's out of that ache that good writing comes. But I know good writing comes from joy too. I think, that in my own life, its easiest for me to write when things need figuring out. I can sit here and type them out. Let my confusion take me on a journey in a way.

The pendulum of my life has been swinging pretty hectic lately. I'm not sure what side I'm on right now, I know I'm just hoping for a bit of guidance.

My Asian culture class has been talking a lot about the idea of unity and how life is kind of a cycle. An Asian theme of continuity, but much the same as the idea that life is full of valleys and mountaintops, not just a straight up or down. As humans we constantly use patience, humility, kindness, greed, selfishness, pride, etc. to keep the pendulum moving. And I think its the understanding of such things that has helped me become more grateful for the journey. I may not have control over all the things that move the pendulum, but I do have control over my own heart, my own guilt, and the sins I carry that I must lay down before the Lord.

I'm not really sure if it's just my age, or the place in life, or both, but I'm becoming more aware of how much growing up I am doing. How much stretching and shaping I think the Lord has done in me in the past few years, and how much more humility I will need to get through the next few. I find myself reflecting a lot during these times, remembering who I was and reassured that I have come a long way. If I could take a snapshot of life, right here, right on this side of the pendulum, I think it would show how grateful I am to be loved by the Lord...and the trail of sorrow I left behind in the wake of the Lord's renewal.

I'm blessed to be his daughter.

upon remembrance

It's been a somber day. One filled with reflection, remembrance and pride. 

There are two dates that stand out in the past couple of days. The 9th and the 11th.

My grandmother, affectionately named Grammy, was born on September 9, 1939. She died September 29, 2000. Irony in those dates. She was an amazing woman. One with courage and fierceness that many only dream of possessing. It was breast cancer that claimed her life, but it was faith that marked it. She never lost faith, even in the face of chemotherapy and despair.

The effects of her absence, of course, have lessened over the years. And living days without her have gotten easier. It's in the milestones of my life that I long for her, but I know how proud she would be of me in this moment.

Her birthday was filled with memories. Memories from both ends of the spectrum, but on that day I thanked the Lord upon every remembrance of the beautiful woman that was my grandmother. I thank him now for the remembrance of her beautiful face, her charming heart, and the light that always seemed to shine even in her darkest hour. Even when she could not remember our names or recognize our faces, when the cancer had claimed her brain...even then, her light was extraordinary. 

When she passed I would often sit on our porch and watch the yellow roses that bloomed in our planter. That winter for some reason the rose bush died and in the Spring it didn't bloom again. I was devastated, because those yellow roses became a symbol of the woman she was. And so, time went on, and a year later in the Spring a beautiful and majestic rose bud popped up from the ground. It wasn't yellow anymore, no it was red.  But those red roses were the most amazing gift of love from my Papa, a gift that let me know it was time to stop grieving.

Ironically enough, yellow roses symbolize gladness, friendship, joy, and the promise of new beginnings. What a new beginning I received.

And so, today the remembrance of 9/11 comes back to me. It was so close after losing my grandmother that the state of our nation changed forever. It was a defining moment of my generation; and a defining moment in my grief. 

It is today that I can look upon my grandmother's memory and my nation and reflect at what transpired, remember the emotions and the loss, and feel proud. Proud to have known a woman so full of Jesus and proud of my country's courage in the face of tragedy.

We may live in a fallen world, but we also live beside people who shine bright in it's darkness. I am so blessed to have been born in America, and so blessed to live in a place that allows men and women like my grandmother to shine without fear of death. I'm so extremely overwhelmed with gratitude today and I know words can not express the joy I have to be the granddaughter of Thelma Barton, and a citizen of the United States.

God Bless.

Philippians 1:3 (NKJ)

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you"

never younger than today

I have been twenty-two for only a couple of days and yet I feel different...older. Strange. :)

I'm excited for this next year of womanhood. It is going to be a life changing year for me. I have many new roles to fill this year and I am excited and anxious, and most definitely full of joy at where this next year will take me. I have two wonderful friends who are getting married soon and they have made me a special part of their day. I get to be a bridesmaid and enjoy the blessings of being a sister to another couple who will be able to share in married life with myself and my future husband.

I will be married in a few months, and I am joyous to see where life as a wife (rhymes) takes me. I am immensely blessed by the man who is to be my husband. It has been a tremendous journey for us to be at this moment, but I would never trade all the things we have journeyed through. I have grown up so much in his presence and I thank him for the huge dose of patience he found within himself everyday. He has taught me so much about life and in turn has allowed me to be the woman I have desired to be.

I will graduate college, an immensely self-fulfilling achievement, as I am the first to do so in my family. It is a feeling of pride, the kind of humble, overwhelming, exciting, joyous moment where I will get to walk across that stage and hold a degree hard earned.

I will continue to write, enjoying the inspiration that has come at the release of my insecurities (thank you Lord for that). I will move to a new city, meet new people, enjoy the blossoming friendships I have found in the past few months, watch my Red Sox come back (cross your fingers...), and I will enjoy each trial and challenge I face. And in result, I will take the opportunities that come and the chances for growth and life change.

Twenty-two will be a very different year for me, but I am so excited for all that is going to come and for the things I have yet to experience. I will never be younger than today, but I am blessed.

Image: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. A woman I admire for many reasons. And we share the same birthday:)

i love words

I've been looking inside for a while, searching myself for a sense of who I am becoming. I came up with a few things:

I am a writer. I love words...and this story I am writing is going to turn me inside out and upside down.

"A Journey Fulfilled" has been a story I have been writing for about five years now. It started off being called the Fulfillment Project, and in reality it was a project built to bring some sort of fulfillment to my life. For so long I ignored the writer in me and now having embraced it, there is a wholeness that comes from using this gift. It's funny, I hear writers say all the time that every story becomes an autobiography in some way. I dismissed it in my younger years, but writing this story now I see the journey I indeed have embarked on.

I've done a good amount of respectable writing. I was an editor-in-chief for a college newpaper and I have my fair share of fiction, but once I embraced the thought that I am a writer the world opened up in a completely different way.

I get it now. I understand who I am and what I really want out of life. It's been an incredible healing journey and I continue to grow in my understanding of why I was created with the tender heart I have always had. My emotions control 99% of my life, lol, and I love that. I know my fiance could take 15% less and be more sane, but it's that intense range of emotions that gives me inspiration. I see the sadness in strangers eyes when they walk by, I feel the hum of the earth, I sense joy in people around me. It sounds whimsical I suppose, but it's true. Deep inside of me is a call- a love for words and a yearning to put them together.

Everything that I have been through in life has brought me here. Every tear, every broken heart, every misconcieved notion of happiness, every celebration and triumph, and every happy memory brings me to this point in time. When I, as an author, and a writer, can look forward and know that my words have meaning because the journey I have taken has given them strength and wisdom. One day, my children will read my words and they will know that I wrote in a way that meant something...and they will know that I never forgot to be grateful for the fact that I love words.

"There is something deep within us, in everybody, that gets buried and distorted and confused and corrupted by what happens to us. But it is there as a source of insight and healing and strength. I think it's where art comes from."
-Frederick Buechner, In Of Fiction and Faith

i am a humanitarian

So, finals week is here and even though I have a list of things to do a friend's encouragement reminded me I could still update. It's been a crazy ten weeks this quarter. Crazy assignments, classes, and definitely teachers, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've always felt that God had a purpose for me going to college, so no matter what class I've taken or what crazy assignment I've had to do, I have always felt he used even the smallest details of my educational journey.

I was given an assignment a few weeks back to interview someone who had the dream job I wanted. Not really knowing at the time, what my dream job would be, I decided to interview a local Youth Pastor who gave me some wonderful insight. When it came time to present my findings to my classmates I knew perfectly well what I was going to talk about...and I was nervous.

There were three days worth of presentations and ironically enough I was the last person in my class to present. I knew I had to make an impression. Not only did I want my classmates to understand my strong desire to help others, but I also wanted them to understand where it came from. The desires of my heart are not my own, they are a reflection of the Lord and I wanted them to understand that as best they could. Let me remind you, I attend a public university and many of my classmates had already displayed their lack of respect for the Lord.

Needless to say, going in I was a bit leery. I felt like my topic was too serious, too profound...then I told Satan to shut up. My presentation, in summary was meant to paint a picture of a young woman's life in sub-Saharan Africa. Recently raped, and sitting in a room awaiting HIV test results, she was my catalyst for helping them understand my passion and involvement in humanitarian efforts. However, life as a humanitarian is only the foundation. If I am to glorify the Lord, I am going to use this hard earned degree to do it.

But you see, six weeks ago even I didn't know what I was going to use my degree to do. All I knew was that the Lord had led me this far as he was going to eventually show me. And show me, he did. Ironically enough, because of another class I was required to take I fell in love with Conflict Resolution. And after talking to that same pastor I came to realize how much I wanted to work with youth, in conflict resolution, anywhere God would take me. It was such an amazing thing to share with my classmates.

I can't begin to describe how alive I felt proclaiming my love for God in such a way. Needless to say, my classmates were a bit shocked by my presentation, but even more important it brought Glory to God. And I must say, three of my classmates asked me how to get involved in any humanitarian efforts I was involved in. And one openly asked me about how to juggle helping others and releasing the burden to God. The very advice I was given by that Youth Pastor was used to openly discuss the nature of the Holy Spirit in front of my entire class. It was such an amazing moment and the presentation was so rewarding-giving a voice to those who are not heard and having others reply on their behalf.

I couldn't imagine a more gratifying quarter than the one I am about to finish. God has opened up my heart in so many ways and has pushed those boundaries further and further into the relational world I am a part of. I have grown so much in my faith, and I am so glad that the Lord was glorified in all of it.

Mo

P.S. If you want to get involved, there is a simple and easy way to stay up to date with humanitarian efforts around the world and all it takes is a simple letter from you. Visit http://www.worldvision.org/worldvision/wvususfo.nsf/stable/globalissues_homepage to find out more